Diamonds Are Forever

MOVIE REVIEW OF DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) PG

Cast
Director	Guy Hamilton	Runtime: 2hr. (120min.)
James Bond	.....	Sean Connery
Tiffany Case	.....	Jill St. John
Blofeld	.....	Charley Gray
Plenty O' Toole	.....	Lana Wood
Willard Whyte	.....	Jimmy Dean
Saxby	.....	Bruce Cabot
Mr. Kidd	.....	Putter Smith
Mr. Wint	.....	Bruce Glover
Leiter	.....	Normon Burton
Dr. Metz	.....	Joseph Furst
'M'	.....	Bernard Lee
'Q'	.....	Desmond Llewelyn
Shady Tree	.....	Leonard Barr
Moneypenny	.....	Lois Maxwell
Mrs. Whistler	.....	Margaret Lacey
Peter Franks	.....	Joe Robinson
Doctor	.....	David De Keyser
Sir Donald Munger	.....	Laurence Naismith
Mr. Slumber	.....	David Bauer

PLOT SUMMARY

In this, the seventh installment of the James Bond movies, the pre-title sequence sees Blofeld (Charley Gray), supervillain and archenemy to Bond (Sean Connery), preparing to have plastic surgery to change his face...or so we are led to believe. We are left thinking Could this be the end of Earnst Stavro Blofeld?

The scheme of this film is the elaborate diamond smuggling operation that is underway. James Bond is put to the task of finding out who is behind it and, of course, to put a stop to it. So, Bond assumes the identity of a well-known diamond smuggler named Peter Franks (Joe Robinson) in order to infiltrate the system and discover the mastermind behind the racket. He must then locate and recover the latest round of stolen diamonds. No sweat, right?

Just when you think he has the whole thing wrapped up, another little plot sneaks into the second hour of the movie. Bond discovers there is more going on than a simple smuggling routine, and an intent much higher than us all.

TECH INSPECTION

For one thing, the king of breakfast sausage proves to be a pretty good actor as well. And an an effective character in this movie. Good going Jimmy Dean! On the other hand, the two henchmen who follow Bond throughout the movie (Putter Smith and Bruce Glover) prove to be some of the crackiest characters I have seen. At first, I thought their line delivery was some of the worst I had ever seen. Until I realized it was all part of the characters' screwy personalities.

As is usually the case with many 007 movies, it is up to the moviegoer to decipher who is working for whom and who is really who they say they aren't! Nevertheless, I found it to be one of the easier plots to follow--using diamonds for physical world domination from outer space--why didn't I think of that?!

I must, of course, take this opportunity to point out a few things that I believe were overlooked in the editing, and perhaps the writer's room. First of all, there is a scene at a gas station where Bond and his voluptuous accomplice have the villain's van boxed in along with a civilian's car behind the van. As an argument ensues, Bond slips into the back of the van. The problem here, the man in the car behind the van says not a word to anyone about the weird man scooting into the van!

Second, later on, Bond is running from the bad guys (imagine that!) and he hops into a moon-buggy-like vehicle. As he settles into the seat, he starts pushing various oddly-marked buttons to get the thing going as though he's driven one of these contraptions before. He gets it to move, though. He should have a bumper sticker on the buggy proclaiming My other buggy is an Aston-Martin!

I will direct you to another movie that I intend to review at a later date. I see how this movie was a partial basis for Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

QUOTES
Finally, a short list of quotes I think are worth repeating. You may recognize some, but these are my own picks, not ones that are particularly famous:

• Curious how everyone who touches those diamonds seems to die.~Mr. Wint
• Thank you very much. I was just walking my rat and I seem to have lost my way.~James Bond
• James. How the hell do we get those diamonds down again?~Tiffany Case
• Is that Bert Saxby? [Saxby is shot] Tell him he's fired!~Willard Whyte
• What a pity. Such nice cheeks, too. If only they were brains.~Earnst Blofeld

And my personal favorite:

• That's quite a nice little nothing your almost wearing.~James Bond

Here is my personal rating of this movie. This rating is out of ten meows.
¹⁰/₁₀

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Digger

I took some time away from watching movies and making fun of others to write another short story. If I didn't mention it before, I am collecting my short stories and intend to publish them as a collection at a later date. Chester (below) is the first installment, Attack from Slovoxia (also below) the second, and this will be the third. I'm going to try to have a collection of ten stories. But for now, enjoy Digger.

Steven knew it was a bad idea. Oh, but this was really not going well. And it was only going to get worse. The pool of red liquid was starting to coagulate. He knew that would happen if he just left it there exposed to the air too long. But what else was he supposed to do?

Maybe he should stick the whole mess into a garbage bag and shove it into a dumpster. Garbage collection day was tomorrow. Nobody would be the wiser.
The dogs.

The dogs would surely sniff it out. Then he'd be up the creek. There'd be no hiding then. Dogs are known for uncovering monstrosities such as this.

Could it possibly get any worse? Yes. A blotch had spattered across the kitchen and landed on the carpet in the adjacent living room. He never imagined it could have shot so far. It was sinking deep into the nap of the light beige Berber, soon to become a permanent scarlet badge of his misgivings.

How does one purge his house of such an evil deed?

Can something like this ever be forgiven? No.

Steven decided he would just have to take this incident like a man. He would have to live with the knowledge that he had screwed up big time.

No one needed to find out. He could create a believable story. Besides, he rarely had house guests. He could put a rug over the stain. He would be fine. He would vow, though, never to attempt to cook his own spaghetti sauce again...ever.

"Sabrina! Colin!" he called. Sabrina came trotting into the kitchen, her calico fur as beautiful as a snow-covered tundra against the backdrop of an Alaskan mountain range. Colin was not far behind. The Husky's bright blue eyes could melt your heart with a glance. But affection would come later, after the spontaneous midday snack.

The final blow, however, came hard to Steven's ego, when even his devoted canine companions refused to consume the pot of slop that had become a culinary fiasco.

Then a small grin came over his face as Digger, the lithe brown tabby cat came leaping over the two mountainous dogs in pursuit of an extra meal.

"Take it where you can get it, suckers!" Digger sneered at the dogs, as he was more than happy to oblige Steven by lapping up a good portion of what was earlier proposed to be dinner.
Steven watched the scene a moment. The cat, resourceful in his own right, and enjoying the cleverness he felt he had, was basking in ecstasy while the three other members of the household contemplated.

"Well, kids," Steven shot a glance to the dogs, "I guess it's come to this tonight." He flipped open his laptop to order a pizza. Five minutes later, Steven flopped down into his eating/sleeping/reading chair, content that dinner was no longer an issue. At least that dilemma was no longer a concern. Why didn't he just do that in the first place?

Now, what to do with that body in the library?

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Troll 2

MOVIE REVIEW OF TROLL 2 (1990) - PG-13

Cast
Director	Claudio Fragasso	Runtime: 1hr.35min.(95min.)
Joshua Waits	.....	Michael Stephenson
MIchael Waits	.....	George Hardy
Diana Waits	.....	Margo Prey
Holly Waits	.....	Connie McFarland
Grandpa Seth	.....	Robert Ormsby
Creedence Leonore Gielgud	.....	Deborah Reed
Elliott Cooper	.....	Jason Wright
Arnold	.....	Darren Ewing
Drew	.....	Jason Steadman
Brent	.....	David McConnell
Sheriff Gene Freak	.....	Gary Carlson
Bells	.....	MIke Hamill
Drugstore Owner	.....	Don Packard
Cindy	.....	Christina Reynolds
Peter	.....	Glen Gerner
Wook Tales Girl	.....	Michelle Abrams
Mr. Presents	.....	Lance C. Williams
Mrs. Presents	.....	Elli Case
Presents Son	.....	Gavin Reed
Presents Daughter	.....	Melissa Bridge
Goblin #1	.....	Patrick Gibbs
Goblin #2	.....	Paul Gibbs
Man	.....	Hermann Weisskopf

PLOT SUMMARY

Officially known on the internet as The Best Worst Movie Ever Made.I do not usually deal in absolutes, but I don't as of yet recall a worse movie.

The movie starts with the Waits family preparing to take a vacation, or more of a house swap if you will, with the Presents family from the one-cow county of vegetarians called Niblog (Goblin spelled backwards...not exactly original). The people of this mysterious town all have the distinguishing mark of a cloverleaf-shaped mole on their bodies.

The son, Joshua, is maybe 8 years old and sees his dead grandfather who warns him to keep his family away from this little evil town. Of course, the Waits think he is crazy. When they arrive, the Presents have set out a spread for them, but Grandpa Seth tells Joshua that he must not let them eat a single bite. Seth tells Joshua that he has 30 seconds (while he stops time) to stop them from eating the food. I timed this, and Joshua circles the table for a good minute plus before doing anything. His final solution...pee on the table and all the food! Very creative?!

In the meantime, the daughter (Holly) has her boyfriend and his three buddies tailing them in an RV because they think this town is filled with hot available girls. They become targets of the town's goblins as well. I won't tell you if they survive or not.

TECH INSPECTION

Alright, for one thing, this movie doesn't have one single troll in it. They're all goblins. Okay, strike one. The thing that sticks out most in my opinion is the awful dialogue and the even worse delivery of said dialogue. The actors enunciate way too much for a movie. It often reminds me more of a really bad stage play. And I know a really bad stage play...I've been in them! None of the actors are professionals. In fact, I believe the father is really a small town dentist in real life! The boy (Joshua), the father (Michael), and the reverend are not too bad as actors, but I wouldn't suggest they take it up full time. To assign the task of pinpointing the worst actor would not be fair. But if you threatened to eat me I would have to choose the mother (Diana).

About 20 minutes left in the movie...ah, we finally find out that someone must destroy some magic stone that gives the goblins their power. And then...well, I had to suffer through this thing (twice) in order to find out what happens. You should have to do the same!

Something I just find stupid comes at a party the town throws for the Waits family. Their idea of lyrics for a hoedown song amounts to na na na na na na na na na na etc...

The makeup for the goblins is less than mediocre. It is silly-looking at best and even looks off-the-rack for a costume store next to Wal-Mart. The gross effects are disgusting enough, but not at all scary. The actress who plays Creedence is way too into overacting. Her character is remindful of a really bad Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Rocky Horror Picture Show). She's a strange and creepy (not necessarily in that order)woman who controls the goblins and tries to turn outsiders into plants for the goblins to eat. I am surprised to see this movie spending the money for modern technology. I would expect to be watching this on 35mm film stock. Some of the scary stuff is all but just silly. For instance...seductive popcorn...on the cob? Really?

I do have one thing to say that is not bad about this movie. The soundtrack is actually quite good.

QUOTES
Finally, a short list of quotes I think are worth repeating. You may recognize some, but these are my own picks, not ones that are particularly famous:

• Joshua is not a little shit. He's just a little sensitive.~Diana Waits
• It's special milk...high in vitamin content.~Drugstore Owner
• Please, let's talk. We're all humans here.~Elliott Cooper
• Get away, monster.~Elliott Cooper

And my personal favorite...

• A double-decker bologna sandwich!~Joshua

Here is my personal rating of this movie. This rating is out of ten meows.
This movie earned this single meow only by using modern-day movie technology and having a decent soundtrack
¹/₁₀

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Rubber

MOVIE REVIEW OF RUBBER (2010) - R

Cast
Director	Quentin Dupieux	Runtime: 1hr.22min. (82 min.)
Lieutenant Chad	.....	Stephen Spinella
Accountant	.....	Jack Plotnick
Man in Wheelchair	.....	Wings Hauser
Sheila	.....	Roxane Mesquida
Film Buff Ethan	.....	Ethan Cohn
Film Buff Charley	.....	Charley Koontz
Dad	.....	Daniel Quinn
Son	.....	Devin Brochu
Teenager Cindy	.....	Hayley Holmes
Teenager Fiona	.....	Hayley Ramm
Black Woman	.....	Celcelia Antoinette
Mr. Hughes	.....	David Bowe
Zach	.....	Remy Thorne
Cleaning Lady	.....	Tara Jean O'Brien
Cop Xavier	.....	Thomas F. Duffy
Cop Luke	.....	Pete Di Cecco
Cop Doug	.....	James Parks
Cop Denise	.....	Courtenay K. Taylor
Cop Eric	.....	Black Robbins
Truck Driver	.....	Michael Ross
Hitchhiker	.....	Gaspard Augé
Tire Burner	.....	Pedro Winter
Paramedic	.....	Eloy Lara
Movie Buff Spectator	.....	Gayle Kate
Killer Tire	.....	Robert

PLOT SUMMARY

A lonely desert with a bunch of chairs scattered along a dirt road. One car comes down the road, carefully smashing each chair in its way, and even those that are not. The car stops. A police officer jumps out of the trunk and starts a dialogue to what we think is the camera. However, we learn he is actually talking to a group of spectators who have come to see a movie? He explains that every movie has an element of completely indescribable origin. He calls it the element of no reason.

The spectators are each given a pair of binoculars and are directed to turn around to see the show. We never see anything in the other direction, however, what we see is apparently what the spectators are seeing through the binoculars.

At first there is nothing. Then someone spots a trash dump and the fun begins. We are focused on a rubber tire buried in the dirt. The tire starts to wiggle, and eventually works itself out of the dirt and starts to innocently roll away. As the tire is rolling along, it comes across a plastic bottle in its path. After a couple of failed attempts, it finally gets up the courage to hesitantly roll over the bottle, crushing it. Next, he encounters a scorpion. Here, he rolls right over the scorpion, killing it...not so hesitantly.

The tire keeps rolling along and comes across a glass beer bottle. He cannot destroy this bottle by rolling over it. He starts to vibrate. As the vibration increases, an ear-piercing shrill sound starts to emanate from the tire, and the bottle explodes. Next, the tire does the same thing to a tin can. The tire goes on its way, eventually blowing up living things amongst which is a rabbit.

Meanwhile, the spectators are watching all this through their binoculars. An accountant-type man stops by to bring them food and to make sure they keep watching the movie. The tire finally reaches the road where he spots a young girl in a sports car. He starts to vibrate, causing the car to stall. From there the point of the movie becomes the tire's pursuit of this girl. The tire simply destroys anything and anyone in its way. The manner in which he kills people is reminiscent of the exploding head in the classic movie Scanners.The police play an odd part by seemingly being part of the movie within a movie hoax all throughout the movie.

Finally, something goes wrong with the movie hoax and...well, from here you'll just have to watch the movie!!!!

TECH INSPECTION

There isn't much plot to this movie so there isn't much to critique in this area. Although it is light on plot, that's not really why this movie was made. In fact, I believe the point of this movie was to have no reason, which it does very well. I do believe that this movie has the most original idea that I have seen in a very long time. I have heard others say that there is no such thing as an original idea, but this comes pretty close. The whole movie is spent trying to figure out what is real, what isn't, and why. There really is no resolution, but I don't believe there is anything to resolve.

At the very end of the movie there is an extra surprise. I hesitate to say this, but the end actually lends itself well to a sequel!!! Yes, I said it...Rubber 2: Robert Bounces Back!

QUOTES
Finally, a short list of quotes I think are worth repeating. You may recognize some, but these are my own picks, not ones that are particularly famous:

• Ladies, Gentlemen, the film you are about to see today is a homage to the no reason--that most powerful element of style.~Lieutenant Chad
• Do ya' think the tire's gonna get laid?~Black Woman
• In the excellent Chainsaw Massacre by Toby Hooper, why don't we ever see the characters go to the bathroom or wash their hands like people do in real life? Absolutely no reason.~Lieutenant Chad
• Here's your double toppings.~Zach
• Hey, wait. It's not the end. He's been reincarnated as a tricycle!~Man in Wheelchair

Here is my personal rating of this movie. This rating is out of ten meows.
⁴/₁₀

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Somebody is Watching

You might consider this post to be called Wedgie Help 2. It just seemed like such a yummy topic (not literally, of course). I couldn't let it go just the way it is. So I'll expand it to here, and maybe a third edition if all goes smooth. And here we go...

You would gain 14 years back if you cut out all the things you do that you shouldn't, or wish you wouldn't do when people are watching you. And as I have said to my breath's exhaustion...somebody is always watching!!! I actually just made up that statistic, but I'll bet it's pretty close to the truth. My first example of something you shouldn't do is researching the statistic that tells the number of years you waste doing the activities that follow in this post.

I love to people-watch. One of my favorite places to people-watch is the mall. But even better than that, although a little more difficult, is the car. I don't understand what it is about being in your car that makes you think you are in private. Just look beside you (in the car next to you. You can't tell me you didn't realize that woman was there. That woman who has been waiting at the same stop light that you have been sitting at for the last minute, watching you through the window singing You make me feel like a natural woman... When you finally look over, what do you do? Do you put your hand up to your ear and act like you are just talking into your Bluetooth™ earpiece? Or do you look down into the passenger's seat and pretend you are speaking to a midget who can't be seen above the solid door frame? Or do you just smile and wave and hope that that stupid light changes before you have to rudely look away?

Don't pick your nose. This advise comes from Wedgie Help. And it could probably and will be included in any subsequent editions. Don't pick your nose in public. For one thing, it's disgusting anywhere, public or private. So at least choose the lesser of two evils. And don't think you can hide it. In a car, you can't exactly look away without jeopardizing everyone on the road including yourself. Besides, what do you do with the result? You don't usually have a tissue at hand when you are driving. Unless, of course, you had this planned before you left wherever you were. In which case you should've taken care of this business altogether before getting in the car.

Talking on your phone. It's not cool...it's stupid and everybody knows it. That's all about that.

Eating a meal. And I'm not talking about a pile of McNuggets that you have stashed on the passenger's seat. I mean a burger, fries, and a large orange drink. Don't forget the hot apple pie! I realize you've probably spent hours in your driveway or automobile simulator practicing this technique, but you are not going to look the same when you stop the car. If you're wearing a tie, it's a different color now. If you've got a dress on, it's no longer a light blue...it's a print by Andy Warhol. It would be really funny if you had to stop quick and got ketchup splattered all over the windshield. Grab your head and get an agonizing look on your face. Look over to the guy in the car beside you to see what kind of panic you have just introduced into this person's day!

And under no circumstance should you eat a meal and pick your nose (or any other bodily orifice) together. You might just get confused and screw things up on so many levels!

Putting on makeup. First of all, I have to admit there are those who have gotten this down to a science. But why is it illegal to drive with a cell phone to your ear, but it's perfectly fine to apply grease to your face while on the road? I don't advocate either one. Please just don't make me so nervous by doing this.

Finally, I know you need to know where you are going, but don't try to figure it out after you leave and are on the road. The streets are not the place to read a road map. PULL OVER!! Or here's an idea...buy one of those cardboard folding window shields. Print your map on the part facing the inside of the car. Put it up on your front windshield and there you are...at least you can keep both hands on the wheel! I don't think anyone will notice. 'Cause certainly no one would pay attention to that, right?

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Blacula

MOVIE REVIEW OF BLACULA (1972) - PG

Cast
Director	William Crane	Runtime: 1hr.33min. (93min.)
Blacula	.....	William Marshall
Tina	.....	Vonetta McGee
Michelle	.....	Denise Nicholas
Dr. Gordon Thumas	.....	Thalmus Rasulala
Lt. Jack Peters	.....	Gordon Pinsent
Dracula	.....	Charles Macaulay
Nancy	.....	Emily Yancy
Swenson	.....	Lancy Taylor Sr.
Bobby McCoy	.....	Ted Harris
Billy Schaffer	.....	Rick Metzler
Skillet	.....	Jitu Cumbuka
Sgt. Barnes	.....	Logan Field
Juanita Jones	.....	Ketty Lester
Sam	.....	Elisha Cook
Real Estate Agent	.....	Eric Brotherson

PLOT SUMMARY

This movie begins in Transylvania at Castle Dracula in the year 1780. The count is entertaining a black (in skin color) Prince named Mamuwalde (William Marshall) of the Abani Tribe, who is trying to get support of the Count in his efforts to bring slavery to an end. Short story shorter, Dracula doesn't like the idea, so naturally, he puts the vampire curse on Mamuwalde, and kills his wife, Luva. Dracula locks them both in a secret room of the castle. After that brief prelude, we come to the opening credit scene accentuating a vampire's ability to become a bat. Ironically, Blacula doesn't turn into a bat until the last 15 minutes of the movie!

Skip ahead a couple hundred years to present day, which in terms of this movie, is 1972. A couple of gay entrepreneurs named Billy Schaffer and Bobby McCoy are buying Castle Dracula and all of its contents...including Blacula's coffin. They ship all the contents back to their warehouse in Los Angeles. Once in the warehouse, Blacula emerges from the coffin and turns the two gays into vampires. This starts his quest for modern blood. His first victim is a female cabbie with an attitude. Personally, she reminds me of a black Carol Burnett!

Mamuwalde secretly attends the viewing of Bobby McCoy's body and sees a woman named Tina who looks exactly like his long dead wife, Luva (played by the same actress). Blacula spends the majority of the movie pursuing Tina's affection while searching out blood from the citizens of L.A. His 18^th century garb doesn't bring many second glances seeing the fashions of the 70s at the time. Doctor Gordon Thumas notices the same bite marks and the lack of all blood to be consistent in all the latest victims around the city.

After Bobby's body disappears from the funeral home, Dr. Gordon starts his movie-length vamp-hunt for Blacula.

TECH INSPECTION

Surprisingly, the acting for this seemingly B-movie is very good. William Marshall is more than believable as Blacula (as believable as a vampire could be expected to be). His voice alone would make him a good second choice for the voice of Darth Vader! And Charles Macaulay gives a brief but command performance as Count Dracula. Again, a believable vampire.

Even with the eye-opening quality of the acting and, to an extent, the plot, this movie still has its fair share of things that just stick in my craw and brings the rating down a few meows. I'll start with the actor who plays Bobby McCoy...he seems to have rather noticeable fangs before he ever is bitten by Mamuwalde! Next, in the warehouse as Blacula is emerging from his coffin for the first time, Bobby is wrapping Billy's arm in gauze because he had cut it on a crate. As Blacula is approaching, the shot keeps cutting back to Bobby wrapping Billy's arm. Each time the camera cuts back to the couple, Bobby is wrapping the same round of gauze around Billy's arm. Not very productive.

In keeping with the social terms of the 70s, I suppose it is to be expected, but the movie has no qualms about the prolific use of such taboo words as faggot and nigger. The movie makers also, needing to gain public support, have pretty obvious ad placement as characters are often seen downing an official can of Coors beer.

And now for some of the most blatant things that should have had more attention in the editing room...In one point in the movie, a vampire woman is running down a very long hallway towards her next victim. She is screaming like all hell at the person, however, the victim doesn't seem to even notice her until she is literally right on top of him and it is too late to run away.

Toward the end of the movie, the detective and the doctor are fighting a band of vampires in the previously mentioned warehouse. Their only defense is a box of oil lamps which they throw at the vampires in order to burn them. It works. It works regardless of the fact that the lamps seem to have the uncanny ability to burst into flames without any flame to ignite them in the first place!

!!SPOILER!!In the end, after Blacula runs into the sun and begins to burn to death, it is not more than 20 seconds before maggots have found their way to his body! That's just way to quick even for a B-horror flick!

QUOTES
Finally, a short list of quotes I think are worth repeating. You may recognize some, but these are my own picks, not ones that are particularly famous:

• I suddenly find your cognac as distasteful as your manner.~Mamuwalde
• Did you see the rags he had on? That's a bad cape.~Skillet
• I know what would develop with you in a darkroom. And it wouldn't be my pictures.~Nancy
• I have lived again to lose you twice.~Mamuwalde
• That is one straaaaange dude!~Skillet
• Take a look at that fag. Isn't that the one?~cop#1 How can you tell?~cop#2 They all look alike.~cop#1

Here is my personal rating of this movie. This rating is out of ten meows.
⁴/₁₀

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Wedgie Help

Sometimes you just have to do something that is not appropriate to your surroundings. Take a wedgie, for example. In a restroom, it is very acceptable, especially in the privacy of a stall, to remove the intrusion from your back-end in whatever manner will do the trick. In the middle of the room at a small gathering of strangers, however...not so acceptable. What to do? Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom to fix yourself in private? Sure. But what if you've just returned from said bathroom? Or what if you just don't want to because you are in the middle of an interesting conversation? Or what if you just want it out of there NOW...no fooling around. You swallow what pride you might have brought to the party, and you nonchalantly reach around and extract the clothing from the orifice. If you are the least bit intelligent, you will try to keep the conversation focused on the current topic. Whew! Problem solved and no one is the wiser.

Later, when you really are in the stall of the restroom, you overhear someone talking out by the sinks...Did you see Mindy picking that wedgie out of her ass while we were trying to decide where to have Julia's baby shower? How rude. I mean, I like Mandy and all, but REALLY. She should've just excused herself to the restroom at least. Geez!

There are certain things that you think you are doing inconspicuously, when in reality, everyone is focused on you. Believe it...we see you. Other examples? Keep reading...

Among those that are not just embarrassing, but disgusting as well...picking your nose. Unfortunately, this becomes a habit whether or not there is actually anything up there or not. This causes a problem for the picker because many times, he does not even realize he is doing it. And of course, he thinks he has gotten the art of discreetly picking the nostrils down to a science. Just do it as no body is looking and do it quick. News flash...there is ALWAYS someone looking...always!!!

I won't exemplify too many instances here, you get the idea, but one more that I must include is crotch scratching. And it's not just men, ladies. You do it, too. It's just that I think you are a little better at keeping it to yourself. My theory is actually that women take the time to take my advice for wedgie-extraction above. Women love to go to the powder-room. So this is the perfect excuse. Men, on the other hand, don't have time or patience to travel that far before relief. Right there in the middle of a speech in front of your colleagues. Itchy crotch? Scratch it. Itchy butt? Dig right in. Just remember what I said before...there is always someone looking and waiting to put your dilemma into a blog post!!!

FYI...Did you know that wedgie is actually in the dictionary? It is described in Random House Dictionary©Random House as...Informal . the condition of having one's underpants or other clothing uncomfortably stuck between the buttocks.

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The Shootist

It was suggested to me by a friend that I use some of my blog efforts for reviewing movies. Since I have of lately been running a bit arid on ideas along my usual course of subjects, I've decided to give a shot to a movie review and see how I can handle it. My plans, if it works out well, are to periodically review movies of all types. Good ones, not so good ones, really bad ones...Mostly older movies. Some older than others, obviously. Usually, anywhere from the thirties to the nineties and everywhere in between. Eventually, there should be something everyone will appreciate. Today, I will start my endeavor with The Shootist from 1976.

MOVIE REVIEW OF THE SHOOTIST (1976) - PG

Cast
Director	Don Siegel	Runtime: 1hr.36min.(96 min.)
John Bernard Books	.....	John Wayne
Bond Rogers	.....	Lauren Bacall
Gillom Rogers	.....	Ron Howard
Dr. E.W. Hostetler	.....	James Stewart
Sweeny	.....	Richard Boone
Jack Pulford	.....	Hugh O' Brian
Jay Cobb	.....	Bill McKinney
Marshall Walter Thibido	.....	Harry Morgan
Beckum	.....	John Carradine
Serepta	.....	Sheree North
Dan Dobkins	.....	Richard Lenz
Moses	.....	Scatman Crothers
Barber	.....	Alfred Dennis

This is the last story of John Bernard Books(John Wayne), a legendary western man who went from lawman to outlaw. His fame comes from his skills with a gun and his liberal use of it, as is explained by a short montage of old Wayne movies depicting the actor in many shootouts. I say last story because we learn not too far into the movie that he is dying of cancer.

The story starts on January 22, 1901.He is visiting Carson City before he expires. We are led to believe that the reason he chooses this place is because he is seeking a second medical opinion of his condition from Doctor Hostetler (James Stewart). However, it is learned later that this visit may have more reason than appears on the surface. Throughout the movie, we meet several characters from Books' past who would be more than delighted at the demise of Books. The likewise demise of most of these characters would also bring a smile to Books' face. Books tries to keep his presence in the town...and most definitely his disease...a secret. That doesn't last very long as news of his staying at a nearby boarding house spreads quickly, no thanks to Dan Dobkins (Richard Lenz), a reporter for the local paper, the Morning Appeal. As he feared, the townspeople are not pleased. The other boarders at the house start to leave, and Books gets mixed looks from the other citizens. Nevertheless, he continues to make plans for his last day on this Earth. He sells his horse, Dollar, for $298, orders a custom headstone, and asks that his suit be cleaned by that new dry clean process. His explanation of his want for the cleaning of the suit is that January 29, the next Sunday, is his birthday, which is verified by the inscription on his headstone. He is not very welcomed by the owner of the boarding house (Lauren Bacall), but is idolized by her son Gillom (Ron Howard).

His talks with the doctor are not encouraging. After the doc's description of the advancement of the cancer to Books, he adds, I would not die a death like I just described. The best the doctor can do for him is give him a bottle of Laudanum, a tincture of alcohol and opium. But, the doctor says, after awhile, even that won't help anymore.

So he continues with his plans. Books tells Gillom to send a message to three acquaintances. Books wants a meeting at the local saloon, The Metropole, on Sunday morning. This provides the climax and ending to the story, which has its own last-minute shockers and twists. That's all the plot your going to get without seeing the movie.

From the technical perspective, this movie has some interesting points that may not be noticeable unless you are looking for them instead of watching the movie. I counted three times where the scene briefly switches to a hand held camera shot for only a couple of seconds. This adds a surprisingly realistic tone to the movie in just the right places. These shots almost seem out of place, but because of that, they are very obvious.

The time frame (1901), is exemplified well by interjections into the plot such as the above-mentioned new dry clean process and reference to a car as a horseless carriage.
Although there was no connection at the time, ironically, this turned out to be John Wayne's last movie.

Finally, a short list of quotes I think are worth repeating. You may recognize some, but these are my own picks, not ones that are particularly famous:

• What I do on your grave won't pass for flowers.~Marshall Thibido
• [You're a] prying, pipsqueaking, ass.~Books-about Dan Dobkins
• I don't believe I ever killed a man that didn't deserve it.~Books
• I would not die a death like I just described.~Dr. Hostetler
• Don't dive in until you know how deep it is.

The movie ends on January 29, 1901

Here is my personal rating of this movie. This rating is out of ten meows.
¹⁰/₁₀

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Thanks for Visiting!!!

My Friend's Dream

This is a line-by-line description of a dream of a friend of mine. She handed it to me and asked me to see what I could do as far as finding out what it might mean. I am not a schooled dream interpreter, but I do have exceptional analytical skills, so I said I would give it a shot and post it for all the world to see. Well, at least the few who read this column. So here's my thought on her thoughts. Feel free to add your own thoughts and/or interpretations as a comment below.

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My washer and dryer were not working, so I was using a charcoal grill and the washing machine.

This reflects your creativity in times of need. Are you a Gemini? Even as absurd as the actual idea is, to you it seems perfectly rational. On the other hand, you are hypocritical in saying that you use the charcoal grill and the washing machine when you previously said both the washer and the dryer were inoperable.

Both of these items were in my front yard.

I'm getting the notion that you feel you've got a lot of clutter in your house. Organization, however, doesn't seem a prominent problem. You at least have the sense to put things in organized places. As you use the charcoal grill and the washing machine for the same sort of projects (the laundry), you put them both in the front yard. In a disorganized world, I would expect to see maybe the washer in the front yard and the grill on the back porch.

Then I noticed that the parkway was all dug up with 3 ft. weeds.

Do you have irritating problems that seem to come out of nowhere? The sort of things that you had no active part in developing.

Thinking to avoid a nasty-gram from the home-owner's association, I started pulling the weeds.

Although you are not at fault for the aforementioned (or other) problems, you feel obligated to correct them for fear of retaliation. You might even feel as though if you are not the one to correct the problem(s), then no one else will, and that will not sit well with you. You might feel that you have others in your life who seem to control your life more than you do!

The lady from next door came over and started hitting me in the head with a long cylindrical object.

Perhaps the president of the home-owner's association? Regardless of the selfless deeds you do for others, there always seems to be something or someone telling you that you are not appreciated. I would wonder if she is hitting you for pulling the weeds, or for doing your laundry in your front yard? She could be objecting to your use of charcoal to wash your clothes because it pollutes the air. You tend to find that people are doing irrational things to hurt you or your reputation, and are not willing to explain their actions.

I said knock it off, I have work to do.

You are dedicated to the good things you do. There will always be someone who thinks what you are doing is wrong, usually because they wish they were the ones doing it. They may feel guilty that they are not the nice ones, so their defense is to try to make you look bad for what you are doing. Often times, what you are doing is actually benefiting them in the end.

Then I was trying to figure out why the charcoal grill would not make the water drain out of the washing machine. Oh, of course, out of charcoal.

Sometimes the simplest problems have the simplest solutions. However, you tend to let the solution slip your mind because you over-think the problem. Then when you realize the solution, you feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

But, wait, there weren't even any ashes in the bottom. What happened to the charcoal I already burned?

After more thought, you stop feeling quite so stupid. Maybe there was a good reason that simple solution slipped your mind. Maybe there was another reason the solution didn't seem feasible at the time. Also, when you think you have a problem solved, it just presents more problems that are often more complex than the original problem.

Then the crazy lady from next door starts abusing me some more. Throwing things at me while I try to figure out how to do the laundry without the helpful aid of charcoal./dt>

Once again, your determination and stubbornness (the good kind). Others are relentless in their efforts to thwart your good intentions. They keep trying to get you to do things their way. You still are convinced that your way, although maybe not the only good way, is the way you prefer to do things.

Some kids from down the street bring me four boxes of candy.

There are a select few who see the good in you and are willing to help and even reward you for your kindness.

I offer a piece to the crazy lady in an effort to get her to leave me alone.

You look for opportunity around every corner. As futile as it may seem, you are good at heart, and are willing to offer forgiveness in the name of peaceful resolution.

She grabs a whole box.

Very simply, people take advantage of your kindness.

Which, naturally angers me more than the rest of the things she has already done.

Understandably, you don't like people taking advantage of your kindness.

I pick up some weird sculpture of hers to throw at her...

Your natural response to people who anger you is to find something of theirs that is considered odd or unorthodox in society, and use that against them.

...and SHE calls the cops on ME!

Here lies the moral of the dream...no matter how much of an angel you try to be...You Just Can't Win!!

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Thanks for Visiting!!!

The low-down on English class

Remember the good old days sooooo long ago when your life consisted of school and after school school, then dinner, a few video games, bedtime, then back to school again? No? Well, as I said...it has been a long time, eh? But now that you're all grown up, you realize the practical worth of all that endless, mindless dribble, right? Priceless, right? And what about English class? Most of us speak the language, even if you're not from around here (or if you are the victim of the speech disease mentioned below...see the post "Say what?").

It's good that all those novels that have been around for hundreds of years are still so relevant to today's world. Thoreau, with his Walden Pond and all that woodsy stuff. Beautiful, but not nearly what we were led to believe. Yes, happy campers, literature like this is ridiculously over-analyzed in English classes all around the nation and possibly the world. It sure is a good thing that the parts that I remember amount to...well...nothing...

I apologize if I offend English teachers everywhere. My intention is not to offend. I know you work very hard and do not get paid nearly enough for your extensive efforts. If it's any consolation, I do pay extra attention to this blog and its grammar (see the post below..."Bad grammer 1"). That I find relevant and useful as a writer and sometimes even in everyday life! For that, I thank you all very much.

On the other hand...

Think about the other stuff you are teaching. I will take the name of Henry David Thoreau as my example because that is truthfully the only one I can recall at this moment, and I need to get this post ready before this day expires. Not to mention I think his name is rather cool. I bet he thought so as well. What do you think? You don't REALLY KNOW, though, do you? So what makes you think anybody knows what he was thinking when he wrote all those poems and other stuff? You don't. And for heaven's sake where did the things you did theorize come from? I mean, do you yourself really believe what you are teaching? Was Thoreau really making all those metaphors about the forests and trees and nature that you preach in those classes? I am going to bet not. In fact, here's my theory...he thought that nature was really relaxing and pretty. So pretty, in fact, that he thought he would write it down, 'cause he was really good at writing stuff and making it sound as beautiful as the nature itself!

Now, I will admit, I did take somewhat of an interest in Dante Alighieri and his Inferno. The levels of hell...now that's cool! But...

Since I admit my liking of a subject in your class, can't you let me keep on liking it? Please! I guess not, because I start not liking it so well when you start telling me that there's a lot more there than a cool story. The things he really meant when he said, "I see well that never is our intellect satisfied, unless that truth illumines it beyond which no truth may soar."*** I find this passage to be very interesting because I think I fit into the category he is addressing. I am never satisfied that I know all I need to know. However, if I see proof enough, I will tend to be satisfied so I can move on to other things. Part of that difficulty in being satisfied comes from my OCD. I tend to always believe that there is more to learn before something in my life is complete.

I wonder if Dante had OCD? Or as he would have called it, "DOC...Disturbo ossessivo compulsivo." And that's probably another post on its own. And maybe even a video game!

But no..."There's more meaning to it than that," my teachers would say. And I would ask them how they knew that. Have they ever visited hell? (I know there's plenty of comments and jokes there, but that would make this post longer than it is already...I don't think any of us want that.) And that sort of postponed my liking for the guy for about 18 years...I think he's kinda' cool again. Too bad he'd dead, eh?

I have since become quite a connoisseur of English, but mostly of the English language, since it has become so screwed up (and I promise you...that will be another post) as a result of electronics and technology and, I regret to say, total disregard for the properties of the subject that, when ignored, makes one look and sound really stupid.

I hope we're not all really stupid...

***ORIGINAL ITALIAN..."Io veggio ben che giá mai non si sazia
nostro intelletto, se ‘l ver non lo illustra
di fuor dal qual nessun vero si spazia."

Thanks for visiting!

Attack from Slovoxia

Taking a break from criticism again, here is the first chapter of a science fiction story I am working on. I would appreciate any comments and criticisms of your own on my efforts.

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It was only after the Slovoxians invaded that it was realized that all those lunatics had been right. There was intelligent life in places off the surface of the Earth. To this day, we still don't know exactly where, though. When the attack came, that was the beginning of the end. No more space exploration until this thing was over. And that could be a long while.

The worst part for me is that advancement in technology virtually went by the wayside as well. Ironically, we were at the height of the technology boom when it happened. Computers were on a rampage of advancement. Operating systems were being cranked out at amazing speed. And new ones, too! Not just upgrades! Security measures were astounding. "Black hat" hackers were being put to good use. Rehabilitation programs were being implemented within the governments around the world. Success in the U.S. government had sent word around the globe that these types of programs really do have a positive effect on the abolition of computer and technology-based crime.

Of course, the invasion didn't help the situation. You see, the normal flow of the tide says that as computer criminals get better, so does the technology to thwart them. Or more accurately, I guess, vice versa. The criminals always seem to be no more than one step behind the crime-fighting technology. It's almost as if there were moles scattered all through the government. I couldn't ever imagine that. Can I say sarcasm? As per the turn of events in this case, the criminals kept going, but law enforcement was forced to stop what they were doing and focus on somewhat more pressing matters...like saving mankind.

That was the spring of 2015. It seems like a few lifetimes ago, yet it has been only 35 years. I am writing this down because I will not be here to see another 50 years to the turn of the next century. Whether it be from old age, or the imminent destruction from our obvious enemies from another world. I am sorry to say I have no faith that we will prevail in this conflict.

This time, we in the U.S. are not the sole freedom fighters in this war. In the past, with the exception of the World Wars in the early 20th century, the United States has been on one side and the enemy was the other side. In this case, the good old U.S.A. is only one small part of the package that makes up the fight for human existence.

*     *     *     *     *

As I said, although technology was hitting its pinnacle, there have been no significant advances since the war began. Scientists have actually been working in tandem with programmers in an effort to stop the invaders at any monetary cost. Now that's something I thought I'd never live to see.

No luck, though. As soon as a breakthrough is in sight, a lab is bombed (or whatever those things are that they throw at us) or a power grid goes down. That usually sends every able person with two hands (sometimes only one) and a brain scrambling to help rebuild a building or get things back online...and I don't mean the internet.

Even our secure documents are no longer safe. PDF had high potential for great things. A new technology was in the workings that would not only make these documents untamperable, but if an attempt was made to alter them, the offender would be automatically tagged with an aura scanner as a probationary suspect. Authorities would be at your door in less time than it took to order a pizza.

That invention had only to be patented before implementation was complete and available to the public. No more using it in military installations for decades then releasing it to the people who could really use it. Technology went straight to PVC as you might say.

Yes, if there was one thing that stayed on top of things other than the pharmaceutical companies was Hollywood. The ones who make money showing us things that will never happen. It was almost like a repeat of the 1920s, when cinema boomed in an attempt to take peoples' minds off the terrible things happening to their loved ones across the seas. Only this time, it was not confined to other lands.

And they always have to have the best and latest formats to tell us their stories. Perpetual Video Cartridges came out around 2014. Right on top of the invasion. You see how concerned we were at the beginning...Flight of the Soransins...Attack of Kaplincon...Every One of Us...No Room for Stella...the list of blockbusters goes on and on. It was a cinema summer to remember. And the last one I remember.

Astronomers and astrologers alike warned us that doom was in the air...literally. Astronomers were questioned. Astrologers were ignored as usual. Today, those (and a handful of people with aluminum foil hats) are about the only ones who now have a pleasant lifestyle 5,000 feet under the Earth's surface. It's like The War of the Worlds and The Time Machine come to life. H.G. Wells would have been slightly amused.

Speaking of those classics, I believe that is one major reason why we were not prepared for such a tragedy. Between Y2K and the WMDs, coupled with the 1938 War of the Worlds radio scare, brought to us courtesy of Orson Wells, we had become the boy who cried wolf. Nobody paid attention to the warnings...lunatics or not.

So I now sit here in my self-made meditation room writing down everything my deteriorating brain allows me to remember.

My hopes are grand. My idea is that if I can make this memoir seem pathetic enough, I will simply plant a copy on the surface in an open field (they tend to hold their meetings in such places) with the intention of having it being discovered by them.

Maybe they will read it, see that they are destroying an innocent and peaceful race, and leave us be. Fat chance. For one thing, convincing them that we are peaceful will be a challenge without cutting out most of our history.

I also doubt how long I may have to write this before I myself expire. Not because the invaders will destroy me, but because conditions have made the average life span shrink once again to age 45. Which makes me way beyond my expiration date. And to be a newborn in this world...I can never envy the little ones who have no chance.

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Thanks for visiting!!!

But Wait...There's More 1...!!!

"Don't call yet because there's more to read! You won't believe this incredible blog offer available only to you for a limited time!"

You can't say you didn't see it coming. When I write so much about things that drive me nuts and things I consider ridiculous, how could you think I wouldn't do something on TV infomercials? Well, here it is. I just hope I can make as much out of it as it deserves. So, here we go...

I am anxious to get to my favorite part of this post, which is the MOST ridiculous item I have EVER seen as a "Seen on TV" television advertisement. But as good writer's form, I must keep you in suspense for just a little while. There are plenty of things that don't quite make it into the top ten, but they're out there and good for top contenders.

This fascination for seeking the world's stupidest products began with an item which still baffles me as to why you would shell out a good $19.95 (plus shipping and handling, of course) for its acquisition. THE STEP. Believe it or not, Ripley, it is still being sold. In fact, the website claims that it is the number one fitness step in the world. Wow! Right? It has been selling since 1989 and the price has jumped out of TV reality to an affordable $75.00! Oh yeah, plus $20.00 S&H!

In case you are not familiar with this classic product, it is essentially a platform with four square block supports...That's it! Of course, for the more advanced workout, you can now get the new FREESTYLE Step for an additional $10.00 (that's $5.00 for the item and $5.00 for S&H). For that extra charge, you get to remove the square blocks and set them up so the Step can be used as an inclining ramp! Does the technology ever cease?

It doesn't matter where you live...a single story house with no basement or a three story apartment with two basements...you have access to something that allows you to take a step up onto it and back down again without spending almost a hundred dollars! What about the steps in your house or the ones going up to your apartment? How about piling up some books on the floor?! Gimme a break!

But wait...there's more! There is even a "note" on the website that warns There are counterfeit steps being sold on the internet that have illegally stolen our trademark. I'm just here to alert you of these evil scammers who will try to sell you an inferior product that may not perform as superbly as the Original Step!

If that's not sufficient, there are other Step products. For instance, the Fitness Step. I can't tell the difference, but it costs about half the price of the original. "Honey, hold my calls, I'm going to pull out my Fitness Step and do some vigorous exercise for the next hour!" (Oh yeah, the Fitness Step also comes in a Freestyle version.)

And now...the moment you've all been waiting for...

That's right, the absolute Worst, Stupidest, Waste of Money I have EVER seen! THE EZ CRACKER!!!

It wouldn't be fair if I criticized this product without giving you a chance to evaluate it yourself. So, in the interest of fairness, if you would like to purchase one of these, you can do it for $9.95 plus S&H($6.95) @ www.ezcracker.com. And included in your order is an EZ Scrambler! A $20.00 value for FREE! That's right...NO EXTRA CHARGE!!!

What does it do? Who cares, it's $9.95 and it comes with something FREE!!! No, wait...watch the video and you realize it's actually 2 EASY Payments of $10.00. Really though, it can be very useful and worth the investment...I will explain...

I can't count the times I've tried to crack an egg and it just goes everywhere. I can't count the times because it hardly ever happens! Especially with the awful results you see in the video. These people don't seem to know what an egg is or how it is designed. Wait again...guess what else you get? A gadget that will scramble the egg BEFORE you break the shell with the EZ Cracker!!! Turns out that's what the EZ Scrambler it. Yes, folks. It scrambles the egg inside the shell. Is this not the coolest thing you've ever seen? It just wants me to call all my friends to come over and see me and my gadget!

Don't forget the mess it saves. All you have to worry about is cleaning every little in and out of the gadget instead of wiping your little workspace with a paper towel! Make sure, though, that you get all the little crevices, because those are not fun if you let the egg yolks get dry. But that's no big deal because you own the EZ Cracker!!!

Well, that's all for today. Next time I'll see what the great deal is on the PedEgg and other Seen on TV revolutionary products.

If you have a Seen on TV product you would like me to write about (even the good ones), leave a comment below and I'll see what I can do. Thanks for visiting!!

Funny (and not so funny) foods

Kumquats are not funny. Although they should be. Actually, they're not very funny at all. They look like small tangerines. Yes, I know tangerines are small, too. But kumquats are smaller. In fact, the word "kumquat" means "little tangerine orange" in Chinese. (金橘)

So why do some foods lend themselves to being funny while others just sit there looking or sounding like they should be funny? Who knows. I'm just going to tell you which foods I think are comedians waiting to happen, and which ones I think shouldn't quit their day job.

Let me start by once again giving an example. If the kitty at the top of this post were a vegetable, he would be funny. Not because he looks funny sitting in that box (I could set a kumquat in the same box and make it look funny...still not a funny fruit), but because at other times in his life, he did silly things. These things were not always funny for him. For instance, I thought it was funny when he climbed a tree and didn't realize what he had done before discovering that getting down was a whole different task altogether. The proverbial "cat stuck in a tree" had become a reality. I suppose if a kumquat could climb a tree, and could get stuck (unlikely, because they hang around in trees all their life), that might make it funny.

Parsnips and horseradish roots. One is funny, the other not so much. Can you guess which is which? If you laughed at the parsnip, shame on you for pointing, but you are correct. Just look at the name and the fact that it tries to emulate a carrot. I know horseradish roots look a lot like carrots, too. But it has to be a name/looks combination, not just one or the other. I mean, really, can you get a sillier name than "kumquat?"

I think rutabagas barely slipped in as a runner up in the funny category. Funny name, and it looks like an albino beet. Beets are not funny, but take away that impenetrable red coloring and my sides split. I could say the same thing for turnips, but way too serious of a name. "Turnip." One could head a business meeting of the foods. I could almost see one wearing a tie. Artichokes, on the flip side, can hardly be mentioned without a grin, but they look like nice, respectable cactus plants. Nice and perfect in symmetry and color. Green, though, and green is not a funny color. Pastels are funny, green makes me think straight.

How could I get through a column like this without mentioning our vegetable of the day, the almighty eggplant. The name is hilarious. "Eggplant." It doesn't produce eggs, but the name stuck nevertheless. And just look at it. It looks like some humans I used to know. Perhaps I am confined to using the phrase used to know because of the number of times I called them an eggplant. Anyway, that little topknot reminds me of a beanie cap. And if you get one in just the right proportion, it acts like a Weeble. It wobbles but it won't fall down!

Before I let this post go, I must clear up one misconception. Bananas are not funny. Granted they are a bright color. But at one time, they were green, and green bananas don't even enter the contest. Also, they are involved in many a jocular occurrence, but rarely are they funny themselves. Sorry :(

Comment below if you have a food that you think qualifies as funny. Refer to the guidelines outlined above and let me see what you have for me. I'm anxious. Maybe I'll make a post out of it if it's really good. There are a lot of foods out there waiting for their break into the big time. You might be the one to give them their chance. NOTE: It doesn't have to be a fruit or vegetable, but no dishes, please.

Thanks for visiting!!!

Poetry?

"I am an unhappy bubble of anal wind popping and winding in the mortal bath [while] snot trails of lust perforate the bowels of my intent."∼ Stephen Fry

Ah yes. Lovely poetry. Do you know what is great about poetry? You can pretty much say anything. As long as you can conjure up an alternate or metaphoric meaning to it, people will ohh and ahh at it for centuries. And if you are lucky enough to get in into the hands of an English teacher, it may live on until the next iteration of vernacular communication. If that happens, a disgusting, virtually meaningless line of poetry as such is recorded above may become classic literature!

"Tossed in a wrecked mucous-foam of steamed loathing."
∼ Stephen Fry

That same author, some of you may be familiar with his reputation for elaboration of the most simple of phrases, has turned poetry into something of an art. Yes, I know, "poetry is already an art." But this is turning an art into an art per se. My English literature teachers throughout the years always said something that drove me nuts.

"Revise. Revise. Revise. You can always change it to make it better."

Which, of course, to me meant to trash the whole thing and go play Nintendo®. I think that's what ought to be done to most things calling themselves "poetry." Don't take this wrong...I like good poetry, but I am extremely careful of what I deem worthy of the term. For instance, the following excerpt is from a poet named William McGonagall, a semi-decent poet (regardless of the fact he is the leading contender for the world's worst poet) writing a semi-decent poem. This one, Saving A Train, is not a bad poem in my correct opinion. But this particular verse could have been better...A LOT BETTER!!!

"'Twas in the year of 1869, and on the 19th of November,
Which the people in Southern Germany will long remember,
The great rain-storm which for twenty hours did pour down,
That the rivers were overflowed and petty streams all around.

The rain fell in such torrents as had never been seen before,
That it seemed like a second deluge, the mighty torrents' roar,
At nine o'clock at night the storm did rage and moan
When Carl Springel set out on his crutches all alone --

From the handsome little hut in which he dwelt,
With some food to his father, for whom he greatly felt,
Who was watching at the railway bridge,
Which was built upon a perpendicular rocky ridge. "
∼ William McGonagall

I am now going to subject this excerpt to English teacher analysis...

On the surface, it seems to be an interesting story (it goes on to actually be an interesting story). However, a poem it is not. There is no beat. Try it out. Perhaps this is where we are going in the world. Perhaps this was the beginning of the revolution to abolish good communication in order to validate internet lingo, which has become atrocious. Also, since we seem to accept this form of trash as truth, we also acknowledge passages like the following...

"The message is that there are no 'knowns.' There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we do not know we don't know."
∼Donald Rumsfeld

...to be valid! Oh geez. It seems I am feeling the need. The need to...rant! Since I don't like to rant in this blog, I'll save it for my therapists. They'll listen to anything with a smile. Just ponder what I've said here and leave a comment. I have made a suggestion below. Make this an interactive blog. And thanks for visiting. (Become a member to the left ↵ .)

Do you have an opinion about what constitutes good poetry? I'm interested. Do you like summer breezes? Do you like happy poems? Do you like poems that don't rhyme? Do you like poems that have a beat (rhythm)? Except for a little bit of rhyming, this passage above has none of these qualities. I think that a good poem, has most of these points. I can do without the summer breeze, and I really think a poem should rhyme, but the rest of it makes for a nice day.

Friends...plain and simple

I have decided to take the day off from just putting my silly thoughts to electronic paper, and focus on something a bit more serious. Namely, friends came to mind. Because friends are people with whom you virtually cannot live entirely without, I thought it only fair that I pay respect to them in some manner to make them feel wanted. So here we go...

At the time I am writing this post, I have acquired one-hundred and four Facebook "friends." Darn it to all hell if I can't get just one more person to accept a friend request to make that a round one-hundred and five. They really don't know how important that is to me. Anyway, that's not the kind of friend I'm talking about here, although that is included in a subset of the subject.

I'm talking now about the kind of friend you would have in the traditional sense of the word. The kind of friend that you have "picked up" along the winding journey of life, from building friendships out of business encounters, to developing relationships from seeing a person on a regular basis no matter what the reason. These are the types of friends that you and I should really cherish. Unfortunately, we often don't give enough credit to those who mean the most to us. Maybe we don't quite grasp the extent to which these people are important in our lives.

As much as I enjoy my alone time, a hermit like me occasionally likes to be around other people. Sure, I have my cats (well, normally I have my cats...except for the present time in which I also have been denied even that pleasure), but there are times when I seem to need something more than that and a computer screen. You may be the type like I thought I was...perfectly happy with my own little world where I had or could get almost anything I needed all by my lonesome. Just not true, though I didn't realize it. It probably began sometime around 2009, when I decided to break my vow never to get sucked into the bandwagon world of Facebook. I was probably drunk or on too many pain killers (one or the other, not both...tried that one time and one time only...never again!) or something of that nature. Anyway, I signed up for FB and started "friend requesting" my family. An easy, SAFE way to start when you don't think you have very many resources in that area of your life.

As I soon came to realize, I still had more friends than I thought. People were coming out of hiding (or so I thought...truth is, they had been there all along, and it was ME who had been doing the hiding). Friends, some long forgotten family, and even mere acquaintances from way long ago were signing up to get back in touch! Sure, there were those who got the excitement out of the way pretty quick, and I haven't really kept in touch even after that flash-in-the-pan encounter, but there are a few with whom I still have a functional and no less than regular relationship to this day. These, however, still boil down a little further.

Skip ahead to November of 2011. I found myself in a situation concerning my health. I had to be rushed to the hospital for a massive infection in my legs. Long story short (no pun intended...but funny anyway), I had to relinquish those particular legs in order to save the rest of me from death. Not a very pleasant outlook either way. That's where the story gets to the point of this post.

I casually put up a notice about my status on my Facebook wall, simply to tell people that I probably wouldn't be available for quite some time. The responses I got where surprising to me. I had friends offering to come and visit me (regardless that I was somewhat out of the way), bring me pizza, and loan me stuff to keep me busy in my time of upset! Some of these people I had not seen or contacted in many years! These are the people with whom you and I must not let go. In my case, again.

Friends are important. It's that simple. I could very easily go on and on about the virtues of good friends. The world knows the reasons and validations for that simple statement live on in many a Hallmark made-for-TV movie and refrigerator magnets (e.g. "Walk beside me and be my friend"). Friends are sometimes not appreciated for all they are worth until they're not there. Even then they are soon forgotten. Then when they reappear...that's when they really become something you can't live without.

Comfort. Companionship. Compassion. Empathy. Love. Life...Friends. Treasure them as I do, and your efforts will be rewarded. Thank you to all my friends and family (they are friends as well) for being so good at providing all the necessities of a happy life, no matter what circumstances are working to the contrary.

Say what?

I always thought I had the sense to pick friends who were half intelligent. Or half-witted at the very least. But what about those friends whom I did not choose of my own free will. There are some people who have become friends out of circumstance. For instance, I have one friend who came to visit me a few weeks ago. He brought along a friend of his with whose sister I am acquainted. We have since become friends. Also, business acquaintances count for a majority of this category. In these cases, I find I must adapt to some of the qualities that may not be the best of characteristics, and those for which my stomach may turn.

At the top of the list is an attribute that I do find interesting however irritating to say the least. Irritating, yet common enough that, if I were to base my friendship upon the presence of this trait, I would probably be ever nearing the asymptote of the function of friends. (Id est, I wouldn't have many.) That is the fact that many of my friends do not talk right. Yes, they just go on in their everyday oblivion of naiveté without a second thought about whom they might be offending or more likely, confusing. Let's visit this in more detail with examples...

"What in the world got you onto that train of thought?" you are probably asking yourself right about now. Well, I was in a rather intense discussion just the other day (yes, it really was the other day, I'm not just saying that to be funny) about something or other, when this friend mentioned that she had a "pole noodle." Interested, I stuck around. I was fascinated by what this new age invention might be. I am familiar with many of the various types of pasta around the world and their aliases. Nevertheless, I have yet to run across a pole noodle. To me, this sounded like a macaroni elbow that has been straightened. As the conversation continued, I realized that the subject was not a culinary one, and an explanation was not forthcoming. So I did the only bold thing to do...I asked, "What on Earth is a 'pole noodle'?" Her answer, to my dismay, was, "A what?"

I could see the potential for this conversation to come to a stalemate, since she seemed unaware of the term she herself had just uttered. I tried desperately again (see post below about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). "What is a 'pole noodle'?" Again, she said, "I said a pole noodle. Not a pole noodle." I gave her an overly-conspicuous baffled look.

"You know," she tried to explain, "those things you take with you to the pole so you can float around?"

I had to just sit there for a moment, but I finally deciphered that what she had actually been saying was "pool noodle!" In case you are wondering, the conversation did progress quite nicely and efficiently after this was clear.

The rest of the day, I couldn't help but notice how many others had been afflicted with this terrible disease. I overheard a story about someone who had been "warshing their dowg."

I wondered at that very moment only if that person had been "warshing their dowg" in their "pole."

If you have a friend or acquaintance who speaks as roughly as this in their native tongue, please comment below. It might become part of my cache of blog topics sometime in the future.
Thanks for visiting!